so ive decided that i will be quitting soon, letter in hand.....just finding the right timing. I know I can do the job but enough of the other bullshit.

im planning a possible visit to the US or London..im just wondering whether US will be a good place or easy to find a job at this time of the economic downturn?

please all you americans, let me know how it is there? i hear no one's shopping!?

it's 7pm and time is only tick tocking by till i have to return back to hell again! i dont know if its that feeling you get before you return back to school after a long holiday but i somehow just feel worse about tomorrow. i feel fear again..i know im the creator of my emotions but its so overwhelming. my social life is fine, fam is fine..i am happie in those aspects...everything except for my job. It's a shitty feeling because you spend at least 80% of your time there. I know I have been complaining since week 2 and everyone's told me to give it time but i still haven't stopped and accepted this place and things have onlie gotten worse...so it is true that this place isn't for me. I have started looking for other things..but the economy is whack so it's been slow...i have really good relationships with the top tops  and i feel that it would disappoint them if i left so soon......it's just so hard...i dont feel im moving along that well....could i be doing something more?

i try to speak with my parents about it and its useless...i only feel more resentful about it

After a 5 day break, I returned to work this morning , numb and unrested from the weekend festivities..i was not mentally prepared...seriously was wondering how i'd get through the day. I then saw my coworker and he was puzzled to see me there and ended up telling me that while i was off they changed the schedule. I would have an extra 3 days off...i was a lil bummed because no one called to inform me..but slightly felt it was somewhat of a godsend since I would seriously be in the shit because I was so zombie-like.

Ahh..why do i still feel so anxious OUT of work? why am i so fearful of the place? the cloud of negativity is throwing me off my mindset. the whole environment just makes me feel so antsy. The whole process of going in, getting into my chef whites, the cold grim corridors..it's all so unsettling for my comfort.I just want a comfortable job environment

so i've returned to xanga ( with pre-apologies for my bitchings about work) because i need an outlet apart from the half bottom of wine i'll consume to pass the day.

im not expecting you to feel sorry for me, am i feeling sorry for myself? this is the line of work i chose right? was i supposed to expect the bitching, the yelling for the 120% i give, the fear/humiliation combined....didn't i know this from the ghecko before going in to a kitchen? why am i not prepared? why can't i handle it? i had such a (surreal) good time in london in a kitchen and its so different here.

i guess my plan in returning will be sooner than expected, wondering if ill find anything in such bad economy. i can only choose where to head next. I've always avoided LA cuz i am such a chicken-shit for merging into 5 lane driving highways  ( ive been spoilt by the 2 lane only highway lanes from slo *blush*- ahem..only got my license at 21 )......NYC!? i've never been!? so its NYC..or LV ( cuz my parents own housing there and LA as well)...//or?

im wondering if its normal to feel like you want to throw up from anxiety before you head to work each day. is this how it is in the first few months of transition? i left my previous jobs because i was sick of doing cupcakes and was always wishing for a hotel job which i said i wouldnt mind taking shit for because of its name and experience but here i am , taking lots of shit, lots of pressure, no allies or friends, being bullied..not meshing with the local culture. is it supposed to be like this?

i hacked it in london but its so different here otherwise.  i dont know what is worse, my previous job or now. ive become the outlet for people to take their stress out on at work and im just so filled with fear there. did i create this? is it going to get better? is it too soon to go?